This is how my life really goes, I will give an explanation for that later in this post. I've had lots of "issues", to say the least and remember that this is only a compact piece of my full autobiography. I will post a link to my full autobiography some time in the future...here we go...
My first memory was violent, I was visiting some relatives and I was playing with rocks outside by my self until some older kids dragged me to a river and beat me up for no reason. It was hard for me to trust anyone after that and I was afraid to leave home after that.
My family doesn't understand my disorders, I just remember running away from home to the nearby forest all the time, I spent hours staring at nothing and thinking or sometimes doing something pointless. I was bullied in school (all 12 years) by just about everyone and no one really cared, teachers didn't really pay attention to it and when they did, there was no long-term help for me. I had problems getting friends and my best friend from 1st to 2nd grade got really sick mentally during second grade and he just left one day and never left his house again. After that, I was more or less alone for a while. From 6th- to 9th-grade, I had four friends who I got along with, but after we changed schools, I have not been able to get any new friends, I talk rarely to anyone, and if someone starts talking to me, I don't have anything to say after they stop.
Every day, random people mock me, and quietly laugh at me even when I've never seen them before because my self-esteem is so low that it can be seen easily. I used to have ptsd for a while because of a few traumatic events in my childhood (explained in my complete autobiography). Now I have ocd and severe Rheumatoid Arthritis that has started to deteriorate my organs besides all my joints. There are a few disorders undiagnosed that I know I have, but I don't want any more of those on my papers.
I just realized while writing this; how hard it actually is for me to stay in "reality" and not change anything. I have to remind myself and read my text over and over, to keep it real. Part of that is ocd (recurring thoughts) and other part is something else that makes me lie without noticing it's happening until later. I feel bad when I realize it, but usually I keep it inside me to avoid any strong feelings and impulsive actions. I found out that reminding myself of reality or having someone asking if I'm telling the truth, helps me understand what is real.
To understand a bit more about me, read this (read at "Case Study #1, The Troubled Child". page 1-2): http://www.bostonmagazine.com/2012/06/almost-a-psychopath/
That's the basic frame of my life,
Fuck my life
My heart goes out to you, as I read your post, my emotions stirred. You made it so far, that's really strong. I just want to say that I'm supporting you. :) -Sofie
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